Kimber

I've based my life upon trying to be fair to others.. not to make others feel left out under any circumstance. I've spoken with people whom no one else would, I've become a martyr in my own right to make people feel as if they belonged somehow. To be sure they could always have someone to turn to at any given time. I've tried to be warm to everyone, even towards the ones I disliked. I've tried to be constantly courteous and helpful. I've tried to be insightful, honest, and true to myself.. upkeeping my morals.

So why, now that I'm independent, do I have to throw all of these values out the window without realizing it until now?

It was made evident tonight. I was speaking with a friend when she told me about an instance in which I'd made her feel left out.. and from this, I have the feeling of immense guilt, even though it was just one instance. It wasn't her intention to make me feel like this. Just from this.. I can't help but think about how much I've changed in under a year. From what I was to the things I've done this year:
Manipulated a person who was my best friend to get what I wanted.
Took up smoking.
I used drugs for a while.
I used people.
Outright said I disliked someone to their face.
Became slightly arrogant, selfish, and definitely ignorant.
Downright betrayed a person who had faith in me.
Tried to go back on my vegetarianism.
Pretended to be someone I'm not.

I play the fool card constantly, pretending I don't know as much as I do. I've lost who I was as a person and turned into the very entity I hate. All I was is just a memory now. I don't know what to do to change. I've become so weak. I wish I could blame the city. I wish I could blame my job. I wish I could blame the stress. But in actuality, the only thing I can blame is myself.

How absolutely vindictive. Is this what I'm making myself out to be; nothing more but a harlot with a grudge? Or is it really a grudge? I cannot decide. What is there to be grudgeful over, aside from an honest word? An honest action? Why is it that I cannot seem to compute that this is what I have created for myself, and yet I feel the bane of it's existance almost deteriorating my soul? Perhaps it is because I've never had someone feel so much hatred for me before; that's most likely what it is. However it is I who have created this hatred - you would think I would learn. How positively cruel of me to even consider that everything will be okay if I apologize. Do I even want it to? Probably not, as a self-knowing emotional masochist. Besides, I don't even want to have anything to do with her.. but seeing hatred in one's eyes is a bit unnerving. I'd rather not fathom the thoughts that go along with that hatred, especially for how twisted her thoughts are already. For one who takes pleasure in seeing people be murdered in the most grotesque ways, I can only imagine how she feels about me now.

I feel the need to keep everyone at their highest point. To keep them happy. To make them feel secure, regardless of the cost. It comes naturally for me to be a martyr. But at the same time, I know I'm too soft. I am by no means a harsh person, only when asked to be brutally honest. And with brutal honesty comes an almost definite offending. Because one of the last things I want to do to someone is offend them in any way, shape or form, I wind up sugar-coating everything so my so-called criticism is more or less an invitation to disaster. Then again, people are going to do what they want anyway. But when they make poor decisions after coming to me, I feel as though I'm to blame.

At the same time that I feel I'm doing some sort of good for the people, I feel like a burden. Especially to those who actually listen to what I have to say: my problems, how other people's problems have affected me, my general outlook on life. I was never one for small-talk; I was - and still am - always talking and thinking about bigger things than the latest trends or the weather. But I won't digress. It's almost as if I feel my problems and concerns are menial in comparison.

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So, there's this girl I know. We have been friends for six years, but we had never been totally close with each other. However, we seemed to have a fair understanding of each other. We've developed very similarly, up until recently. She's become someone I'm almost beginning to resent. I don't care for how she's treating herself, the things she's gotten herself into. And I most certainly don't care for her addictions. I know I need to separate myself from her, but then there's the martyr in me telling me not to let this girl fall.

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I also feel the need to share this note one of my close friends wrote in her journal. It was after she and I were sharing our experiences, so to speak; it's very well written and it's definitely worth reading:

"Over time I have encountered many girls and women who have shared experiences with me – experiences that are painful, frightening, or that their own minds barely let them remember. We share our stories and realize how commonplace it is for our bodies to be harmed and our souls shredded.

We raise our little girls to fear their bodies, because of what men can do to them. We teach them not to wear skirts or go into dark places. We teach them not to go places with strange men or to be in parking lots, alleys, parks, or the streets at night.

But why do we not raise our sons not to rape? Why don’t we teach our men not to hurt women, but to respect them? Often we assume our children would never, but we live in a society that encourages victimization, that insinuates that women are objects – so even the most seemingly “well behaved” men can find themselves overpowered by their sexual need, and unable to justify to themselves a reason to stop.

We expect women to govern themselves as though their bodies and sexuality is the danger. Instead of teaching our men self control – we teach our women to fear.

Women should not have to fear their brothers, fathers, step fathers, uncles, cousins, doctors, neighbours; but more often then a random stranger are these the attackers. More often then a park or an alley, women are raped in their own homes, sometimes by their own partners or husbands. When the sexual advances are unwanted, no matter the rhyme or reason – it becomes rape. It becomes a plight on a female’s right to safety and happiness. No single male on earth is owed the body of a female, irrelevant of what she is wearing, how she is acting, or how much she has had to drink.

I feel it necessary to address another viewpoint – no male has the right to another male, the victimization is the same. No female has the right to another female, and neither do they have the right to another male. It is entirely possible for either sex to be pressured by either sex – and for them to be taken advantage of and hurt. Everyone has the potential to hurt one another in such a way, and everyone has the right not to be hurt this way.

Unfortunately, the prominence of women being assaulted is staggering and disturbing. The statistic is 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. I have had these experiences, and can identify 5-6 other females I know who have been assaulted in one way or another. That’s seems a bit high for the statistic.

In the end, we can use biology, hormones, and society as an excuse – but WE influence what the men and women around us believe and fear. If we spent half as much time teaching men not to hurt women as we did teaching women to fear men, we would live in at least a slightly safer world. Would it end the pain? No of course it would never be that simple – but what is simple is how a life can be changed by simply teaching someone to respect instead of hurt and to be smart not afraid. That’s my two cents."

"With wisdom comes power, and with power comes freedom. We continue to learn and grow throughout our lives. Wisdom is knowledge, and knowledge is power. And we use this power to aid or destroy others. But eventually our souls have to be free. Our souls are trapped within our bodies; we are only free when we die. When our soul leaves our body to become a spirit, we bring that knowledge from the human world into the next. We gain higher ground in death, our souls grow wiser with the teachings of the elements and ancestors. And when our spirits learn all they can from them, our souls are able to descend back into the human world into a new body.

Everyone has their own particular intuition about them that are often left untapped. And most people in this age of technology don't even try to find their place in life, but everyone has a place. Everyone is meant to be here.

No matter our differences, we all follow the same truth. We all follow the same pattern. Wisdom, power, freedom. Life is all about liberation."


I'd met the man who spoke these words a few times before. I never really talked to him until last week, at the greyhound bus station when I was waiting to get back home. He taught me so much in that hour of waiting. Not just to allow another outlook on life into my mind, but also the history of my hometown. There was so much that I had no idea about. It made me feel like I had so much to learn.. it was so refreshing to think that I didn't have the answers to everything for once.

As much as that makes me sound pretentious, I do tend to be the person to come to whenever anyone needs advice. Advice. Psyche-related. I'm almost positive psychiatry was my calling. But to learn about something I had no idea about.. it made me feel as though I could be so much more fulfilled by really trying to dig beneath the surface of what is normally told through textbooks. I know the mind works in mysterious ways, and that nothing can be taken directly from a textbook when it comes to the psyche. I'm not sure why I didn't think the same about history.

When it comes to history, I took it at face-value as so many people in this world to with the news and with other human beings. Humans are so much more than what they appear on the surface, and with newscasts, there is always at least a bit of truth omitted. How foolish of me to believe only what published for the general public, instead of trying to become more insightful of past events.

In psychiatry, one analyzes the stories told by patients - past events - to get to the core of the problems they may be having. And the psychiatrist helps to lead these patients down the path of self-discovery, and they are the support the patient needs to have the confidence to make the changes they need to become the person they have hidden within the depths of their soul. To help remove that emotional baggage that's been weighing them down. History is much the same. History is actually more important than current events. What happened in the past drives the present. I must have made this connection sometime before, but I had lost sight of it somehow.

Queer.

I suppose the best decisions I make are ones that can be speculated about as time goes on. When I make decisions, in the heat of the moment I decide that I'll stick by them. Then again, the only time I ever make definite decisions is when it's pretty well a life or death situation. Always the first to react to a question, and the last to go through with it. I think I may have some sort of masochistic procrastination complex.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I've realized that almost no matter what someone does, I wind up forgiving them for it. Needless to say, I never forget what they've done and I could just as easily tear them apart with a few simple words if they decide to cross me again; Not that I would ever do that to someone if they didn't try to tear me down first. An eye for an eye, I guess. I'd just like to know exactly when I became so fixated on revenge. How hypocritical for someone with dreams and visions of peace to seek revenge on those who disrupt their way of living.

Apparently my father has been trying to contact me. It is kind of nice to know that he still thinks about me and actually wants to talk to me and what-have-you. On the other hand, the only reason why I would even want to talk to him at this point is to bring about a closure of some kind. Throughout this ordeal that's been the gossip of my home town for well over three months now, my father believed everything he heard from those around him rather than trying to discover the truth of the situation himself - something I find cowardly and especially naïve. However, I must give him credit for finally working up the courage after this duration of time to find the method behind [their] madness.

On a complete side note, something absolutely horrific happened a few days ago. On a Greyhound bus in Manitoba heading east towards Winnipeg, a young man around my age was murdered by the man sitting next to him. He was stabbed 50-60 times, then beheaded with a machete. There were approximately 35 other passengers the bus, including children, who had to witness this horrendous event. This is absolutely grotesque. The real kicker is how Greyhound has no intention of upping the boarding security in their terminals.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/07/31/canada.bus/index.html?iref=newssearch

Through the media, society's beginning to learn that there isn't a sense to anyone having privacy. With the paparazzi invading celebrities' lives constantly (as if it were normal), people are beginning to believe that this rape on a person's personal life is normal. But what these people don't seem to grasp is that celebrities have more than a pretty face and millions of dollars. They have lives that are being intruded upon daily.

Take into account these new security features implemented into homes, the world as we know it seems to believe that it's normal. Big brother is watching; constantly invading your homes and your lives. Listening to every breath you take. Watching every move you make. And you feel this is all for the best, because of your insecurities. Because you don't know who to trust anymore. Because the media fucked you up.

Even in our everyday lives, there are people around you who are constantly judging you, who are trying to take in all the gossip. The ones who want all the answers to everything you're doing, even if they don't know you from a hole in the ground. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why did we drive ourselves to the point of disrespecting everyone's personal rights for our own personal gain? Why do we continue to do so even when we know it's wrong? Why don't people ask questions that matter anymore?

It's simple. The people are losing their minds. They don't know what's reality to fantasy anymore, they are so easily persuaded and tricked by the media, and our governments. They believe everything they hear on the news and in tabloids. No one hears the real truth in the media. Of course people want answers, but the government lies.

What about the questions that really matter?
Why have we not done anything to help out our kindred in the lesser parts of the world?
Why can't we truly strive toward making the world a better place without having money be a key issue?
Why are we not doing more to diminish poverty?
Why are we still testing on animals?
Why do people feel it's right that they are more deserving to live on this planet than any other species?
Why doesn't someone stand up for our deserved freedom?
Why is nothing done to truly support the homeless and the sick?
Why don't I find the answers to these questions?
Why don't you?

E v e r y t h i n g
H a p p e n s
F o r
A
R e a s o n .


It's the way fate intended it to be, darling.

You stupid little girl. What a fool you are. You know very well what you've got yourself into, and you know very well where not only I stand, but where we all do.

I've said my piece to you, and I meant every word. I'm not going to be here to pull you out of this vat of quicksand you've willingly jumped into as long as you continue doing this to yourself. How dare you lie to my face. How dare you speak of this with such a non-chalant air about you. You think this is amusing? You think this is something to be proud of?

Believe me honey, you do have something to lose from this, regardless of what you say.

You have everything to lose.

I've seemed to have lost my ability to allow my thoughts to flow so eloquently as I once could. I've decided to start anew with this journal. I'll write when I have the chance, or feel the need to jot down these beautiful and obscure thoughts that seem so becoming in my mind.